In My Stylish Yet Affordable Boots

Time to end the silence

The first time was at a pool party. I wore a one-piece lavender swimsuit with little white flowers. A boy my age swam up behind me as I stood in the pool, shoved his hand between my legs, and used it to pull me back against him. I kicked him and pulled away, whirled around, and he crowded me into the side of the pool. Just then, an adult came out onto the pool deck and the boy stepped back. I got out of the pool and didn't go back in. I was 12.

The next time was in my home. I wore a pink t-shirt and hand-me-down denim shorts. A man I knew, there while my parents were out, thrust his hand down my shorts and told me he knew I wanted it, while he rubbed my vulva. I froze. A noise from the other room made him stop, and I escaped to my bedroom. Eventually, I went to bed. He opened the door to my room, pulled down my underwear while I laid on my stomach, pretending to sleep, and penetrated me with his finger. All the while, he told me how much he knew I was enjoying it. I laid there, paralyzed with fear and confusion, until he finally went away. I curled into a ball and didn't sleep the rest of the night, not knowing or understanding how deep his perversion might run, terrified for my little brother in the next room. I was 13.

The third time, I went out for coffee with a man from my university. I wore jeans and a sweater, and a light winter coat. I'd picked him up because he had no car, and the campus was rural enough there wasn't a diner or coffee shop within walking distance. When I pulled into the dorm parking lot to drop him off after our coffee, he lunged at me across the center console and began groping and kissing me. I had to push and punch him several times to get him off of me and order him out of my car. His parting shot was to call me a bitch and a tease. I was 23.

I reported none of these things, told no one. I had no proof. The first and third seemed almost normal and expected -- the price of being female. (That's rape culture in a nutshell, btw.) In the case of the second, I knew it would destroy families and relationships if I did. It was 30 years before I addressed it in therapy. And all things considered, I am lucky. I don't have stories involving extreme violence or ongoing abuse. I didn't come out of these encounters needing medical attention because I'd been physically harmed. 

And I'm lucky because I have wonderful men in my life, men who don't think sexual assault is a joke, or appropriate locker room talk, or something totally normal because "boys will be boys". I have men who treat me as a person and their equal. I am privileged to be safe, but I also never forget that safety can be ripped away in a flash. 

I applaud Kelly Oxford for starting the #notokay hashtag and for bearing the brunt of the cretinous individuals who still ignore and deny the kinds of things that happen to women every day. 

Loving Your Body

Today I came across the headline "Daisy Ridley 'will not apologise' for her body size after Instagram criticism". Essentially, someone posted a photo to Instagram of Ms. Ridley as the character Rey from Star Wars: The Force Awakens, with a speech bubble, "I can't believe the unrealistic expectations I'm setting for young girls. Don't they know real women have curves?"

I'm appalled. I'm appalled that we have to keep having these conversations. Daisy Ridley's body is her body, and therefore it is a real woman's body. Real women have curves, or they don't. Real women have flat stomachs or round stomachs or slightly paunchy stomachs. They have smooth skin or rough skin or scarred skin. Their skin is light or dark or freckly. They have hair on their bodies or they don't. They have large breasts, small breasts, all the breast sizes in between, or they have no breasts at all. Real women bear children. Or they can't, or they choose not to. The measure of a real woman is NOT IN HER BODY. It's just not. A real woman is just...a woman.

Body shaming anyone is not ok. Not for being fat, not for being thin, not for having a body that is in someway different from what you're used to seeing as a body or find attractive in a body.

In a time when things like #unfairandlovely, #effyourbeautystandards, and #thisbody are bringing attention to the diversity of bodies in our world, when we have our first plus size model gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated*, it's so disappointing to see there are people still trying to police women's bodies and appearances and fit them into a neat little box of acceptability. Instead of worrying that one woman's body is the thing setting an unrealistic expectation, that Instagrammer needs to be worrying a little more about what their body policing says to young girls. It tells them they can't look different, that their worth is in being the "right" size, the "right" color, the "right" kind of woman. Is that truly a message we want girls to hear, or do we want to them to know that there's strength in diversity and loving yourself just as you are right now? 

I love my body. Like a close family member, it exasperates me at times, amazes me at others, yet rarely fails me. There is a certain peace that comes with acknowledging the ways your body deviates from that little box of acceptability, yet loving it for those things as well. I have to love this body -- it's the only one I have to carry me through this life.

 

*And yes, Ashley Graham was also publicly body shamed by former supermodel Cheryl Tiegs, which was disappointing to read. Women need to stop criticizing each other for their appearance and start supporting each other. 

 

 

 

Throwback Thursday: My Mom

I very much enjoy the Throwback Thursday (#TBT) photos on social media, but I forget to participate. However, I rediscovered this photo of my mom recently and I just love it. Later in life, she always insisted that she didn't care about fashion and that she was just a plain person, but in this 1960s-era photo, her Chanel-esque suit, well-coiffed hair, strong brows, and bright red lip bely that claim.

So, while it's not a #TBT of me, it's a photo that speaks to me and makes me remember the strong and beautiful woman who raised me.

 

WIW: Black & White & Red All Over

As we already know, I love wearing white in the spring and summer. I've also been pretty intrigued by panel pants and capris, so when I found these white and black panel ankle pants on major sale at Bloomingdales, I couldn't pass them up. Paired with a vintage-y red top with a black & white polka dot bib, it's a fun outfit for a cooler just-before-summer-solstice day. I'd also love to do these pants with other summer brights such as yellow, orange, and fuschia, or go more subtle with a black top.

Pants: Calvin Klein Plus, via Bloomingdales.com
Top: SWAK Designs (also available in black) 
Shoes: Anne Klein, via 6PM.com (YES, I AM CHEATING AND WEARING FLATS. They DO fit my orthotics, so...)
Necklace: Etsy 
Earrings: Aqua, via Bloomingdales.com
Bracelet: Igigi 

WIW Bonus: Dreary Thursday

It seems like grey, rainy days just cry out for bright clothes. This yellow ponte jacket from Target fit the bill!

Jacket: Target
Top: SWAK Designs
Trousers: NYDJ
Necklace: Etsy 

The jacket is kind of fun - the zipper is fully functional, so you can turn this peplum-ish jacket into a cropped jacket just by zipping off the bottom! For my part, I managed to get the zipper pull caught in the dryer (DOH!), which pulled it right off, but a bit of surgery with pliers and a hammer and it's all good.

Tomorrow's Friday, you all! Woohoo!

WIWW: Shopping My Closet

For whatever reason, I frequently forget about the existence of this cardigan. I don't know why - it's a great weight, 50/50 cotton & linen, with a flattering shape and a pretty floral pattern. I rediscovered it in the closet this morning while trying to find something spring-like to wear with our delightful high of 58 degrees today. What doesn't show in the picture below is that in addition to the coral and olive in the cardigan's pattern, there's also a bit of yellow.

Cardigan: Lane Bryant
Tie-neck Blouse: Kohl's
Knit jeans: Coldwater Creek

None of my jewelry is pictured here, but I went very simple with it today - my gold graduation watch from my dad, my wedding, engagement, & anniversary rings, and the gold & diamond hoop earrings that were my 40th birthday gift to myself on St. Thomas. 

I LOVE these Coldwater Creek knit jeans; they are ridiculously comfortable, and wash and wear quite well (no pilling or fading!). I scoffed at them a bit before I bought them - KNIT jeans? Really? - but they were a godsend with the boot on my leg, and continue to be a great option for work and weekend wear.

Speaking of The Foot, I'm slowing regaining strength through physical therapy. I've been able to wear sandals and flats on occasion, but I still need the stability and support of lace-up shoes most of the time. Hopefully with more hard work on my part, I'll be able to transition to a more balanced array of shoes soon. I do miss my dresses.

WIWW: A Little Bit Bad Ass

Really, "bad ass" isn't a word I would apply to myself (nor, probably, would anyone who knows me...), but there's something about a moto jacket that feels a little bit dangerous.

I first tried this jacket in a Gwynnie Bee shipment and loved it so much, I stalked it until it went on sale enough for me to justify its cost. Since it's faux leather, it is much lighter-weight than a leather version would be, and can be worn as a blazer instead of outerwear.

Top: Unaluna, via HauteLook
Trousers: NYDJ, via Boutique Larrieux (similar here)
Jacket: Mynt 1792, via Nordstrom
Necklace: Kohl's
Earrings: Lia Sophia

I'm just not going to talk about the shoes, since right now I own 3 pairs of shoes (aside from athletic shoes) that I can wear, and they're really not particularly exciting. However, I did buy a cute pair of Dansko lace-up shoes yesterday (in mocha) at my favorite local shoe store, Stan's. They're lighter than my other 2 pairs of lace-up shoes, which feels a bit more spring-like.

In News Of The Foot, however, I had my 10 week post-op check up yesterday and my surgeon is happy with the way everything is progressing. I now have orders to start physical therapy, and I'm very much looking forward to that. Surgeon assures me that I will not have to wear lace-up shoes forever, which is an enormous relief, though I will need to continue to wear my orthotics. So, my shoe options in the future will be somewhat limited, but still better than what I've been able to wear in the last few months. I suppose I will continue to pine for all of those amazing high heels, but I won't have to wear only old lady shoes while doing it. At any rate, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel, which is a great feeling.

Cheap Trends vs Classic Investments

One of the things I'm passionate about in dressing myself is playing with trends in a way that works with my life. Generally, this means office-appropriate, budget-friendly, easy-care, and pairs well with pieces I already own. I want trendy items to be of good enough quality that they don't look cheap or out of place in my wardrobe, but because they're trends, I don't expect them to last for the next decade. Keeping this in mind, I've been on a quest for a black & white striped blazer - I've seen them all over the place, wanted to try out the look myself, but I didn't want to spend a lot. Target came through for me, with a ponte knit poly/rayon/spandex blend with -- wait for it -- REAL POCKETS. That was just a a bonus, but YAY.

Jacket: Target (Matching skirt here)
Trousers: NYDJ, Chaplin style, via Boutique Larrieux (Similar here)
Tee: Eloquii (Sadly, they are shutting down, but you can score this same tee for $6.49 right now if you're a 14/16!)
Scarf (which I have wrapped around my neck, not worn as a shawl): I purchased mine at the China pavilion at EPCOT, but the same design is available from this eBay seller (no endorsement of this seller implied - I've never purchased from them) 

Now, about those investments. These black trousers are, in my opinion, pretty much the best black trousers I've ever owned. The fit, the style, I love everything about them. But they will take a chunk out of your budget, especially if you're normally a deep-sale and discount shopper accustomed to spending a quarter of the price on your trousers. I still maintain one should invest in classic basics like this AND one should patronize local boutiques, but if you can't swing it, I strongly suggest using eBay and sales at high-end department stores or outlet stores to add pieces like this to your wardrobe without resorting to ramen for months.

You'll note that I did not mention shoes in my collage. Well, I have some news on that front: 

Yep, those are my feet, both in shoes! I'm officially 10 weeks post-op today, and seem to have transitioned fully to a shoe! Not my top choice of shoes, but this is what I can wear right now on Day 2 of Full Time Shoe Wearing. Those, by the way, are Wolky Moira lace-up shoes, which are discontinued. So I'm hobbling around in actual shoes, though I still need a crutch to get going when I first get out of a chair because of stiffness and soreness in my ankle and foot, and to get up and down stairs. I've been doing various foot exercises -- the same things I did in physical therapy last summer -- to improve my strength and range of motion, so I hope to be wearing something other than lace-up shoes in the not-too-distant future.

Thanks, Starbucks Customer Dudes.

Last time I posted, I wrote about the kindness of strangers while I've been juggling mobility aids and doors. This morning, especially, people were so incredibly nice, and I just want to give a shout out to them.

On my way to work this morning, I stopped at the Racine Washington Avenue Starbucks for my beloved coffee. When I got out of my car to go inside, a man who was already at the door and about to go inside stood there and held the door while I walked from my car - not a long distance, but certainly enough of a time gap that no one would have faulted him for going inside and leaving me to fend for myself. As I entered the vestibule, another exiting man opened the inside door for me and let me go by. And then, as I was leaving, a third man got up from his table, opened the inner door, waited til I grabbed it, then went out and opened the exterior door for me to leave.

So, thanks, Starbucks Customer Dudes. You all totally made my morning, just by being kind.

The State of the Foot, Part II

Today is officially 8 weeks since my foot surgery, and it's surprising to me how fast it's gone by, and the progress I've made. At 6 weeks, I was given go-ahead to begin partial weight-bearing on my foot. Here I am, my first time on two feet in 6 weeks: 

Dress: Dress Barn
Leggings: SWAK Designs
Boot: Kohl's
CAM Walker boot: Aircast ;) 

So I've been walking - first, with a rollator walker or two crutches, and now with a single crutch - for the past two weeks. What a relief that has been, just to have more balance! Today was my most active day yet, where I didn't use the walker at all, mostly single-crutched, made it across my work campus and back for lunch, ran two errands, and pumped my own gas. All of that doesn't sound like much for a person with normal mobility, but it felt great to achieve that much on my own today! I have about two weeks left in the boot, transitioning to a surgical shoe or a regular shoe, depending on the swelling I have, in week 10.

One of the more interesting things about this experience has been seeing first-hand just how inaccessible the world is for people with mobility issues, instead of considering their difficulties in the abstract. Accessible ramps are frequently far away, if they even exist, and exterior ramps can be tricky in winter weather when businesses don't clean up the snow and ice. Even those places that are technically accessible via ramps often don't have enough space between tables (restaurants) or racks (stores) for mobility aids to get through. Access to urban shops and restaurants is often difficult in the snow, as corners are not always dug out and snow can be piled up at the curb. Parking, bathroom access, even just getting in and out of a chair, all come with challenges. I won't be sorry to leave those challenges behind and get back to my normal mobility. Unfortunately, that's not an option for most people who need accessibility, and I will definitely be more aware of their trials from now on.

Of course, not everything has been difficult. I've been pleasantly surprised at the kindness of strangers and offers to help me with carrying things, putting my walker or bag into or getting it out of my car, opening and holding doors. Given all the horrible things we regularly see in the news, it's nice to know most people are not awful and are actually interested in helping their fellow citizens of the world.