I had an appointment this afternoon out in the western 'burbs. Thus, my drive home was a completely different route than I usually drive and was at a different time to boot. Getting off the expressway, I found a person at the end of the off ramp holding a cardboard sign: "HOMELESS AND HUNGRY".
So many thoughts tumbled through my mind right then - everything from "this person looks mentally ill" to "I wonder how much more we'll see of this in the current economic climate?" to "if I gave this person money, would they spend it on food, or on booze or drugs?" to "would I be safe if I roll down the window?" Uncomfortably, the light at the end of the ramp was red, so I had to sit there looking at a person clearly in need of something, trying to avoid eye contact, with my own prejudices roiling around in my head.
Ultimately, a driver two cars back rolled down their window and offered the person some money. I'm grateful to that driver for their compassion and generosity, but I've had to think about some ugly truths.
It's easy to talk about providing more programs and more help for people in need, to write a check, or not even bother because your taxes come right out of your paycheck. Seeing, up close, poverty, mental illness, homelessness...it's a different story. We've been conditioned as a society to be skeptical, suspicious, contemptuous, and frightened of the people who don't fit in. If I roll down my window, will he steal from, or try to harm, me? Is she really homeless or is she scamming the suckers people who give her money? Those people aren't trying hard enough to get a job and take care of themselves, so why should I help them?
I'm not proud of my thoughts or (lack of) actions on that off ramp today. But conditioning is hard to fight. Given the same situation, I can't say I'd do anything differently. And I wonder: what kind of person am I, if I allow cynicism and fear to override generosity and compassion?
